Blondes sometimes have more fun, but not always

Experimental Subject #5 gets her hair put up in curlers. Contemplating her own reflection, she wonders if there's a movie role that involves wearing curlers, so she could audition for it and, by playing "ugly," earn an Oscar nomination.

The worst hair in the history of hair seemed like the place to begin hair-styling experiments, since if it went well, that would be encouraging -- and if it didn't, that would clearly be the fault of the hair.


Here's the Before. Her hair has previously been boil-washed and conditioned, but it's still a frizzy mess. The pieces that were previously pulled back insist on sticking out like antennae.

The back is similarly unprepossessing. It's really not styled.

So I cut up my Dollar Tree pipe cleaners into small sections, then I got out the Official Boil-Washing Tub and wet her hair again. It was dimly lodged in my consciousness that hair ought to be sectioned for curling, so I did that. The butterfly clips are obviously meant for my hair, but they do the job.

Experimental Subject #5 has depressingly sparse rooting. Mattel clearly intended her to be viewed from a respectful distance, wearing her angel costume and extremely firmly attached halo. Since she showed up at Goodwill stark naked except for that halo -- quick! write a 1,500-word short story to explain that scenario -- the original plan had already failed before she arrived at the spa.

Once all the hair was rolled around pipe cleaners, I dunked her head in hot water again to make it more likely that the style would "take." (Her hair was cooling as I rolled it, so there'd already been multiple re-dunkings.)

The next morning, at unrolling time, there was the real possibility that this project was going to end up like one of those Pinterest Fails, where the Magic Secret to Overnight Curls Achieved With Simple Household Objects leaves a girl looking like her head's become a nesting place for feral iguanas.

However, combing it out left the back quite satisfyingly curled and tamed.

And the front looks more like a hairstyle, too. (Experimental Subject #5 is not trying to fly. She's demonstrating "Shani arms," which answers the question of whether regular Barbies got them.)

The three-quarters view suggests one side's still a little rough, but it's not bad for a first try. The next step will be to figure out how to achieve an actual style on purpose.

However, for now, she's off to enjoy her healthful spa dinner of brown rice, Greek yogurt, acai juice, and kale.