Saturday, August 9, 2014

Ah, the woes that hair is heir to!

Pocahontas struggles her way toward a more modern image as a contemporary Native American woman, handicapped by just having won the award for Worst Hair in the History of Hair, taking it from Experimental Subject #5.

Her hair as rescued from Goodwill was so matted and frizzy that a comb wouldn't go through it. We're not talking "long, tedious job," as Elena Rodriguez's hair was, the result of her being filthy. We're talking hair-that-is-no-longer-hair-like. The comb sticks in it, and if a comb could say 'lol, no!", the comb would do so. This is the same comb with which I remove the cat's mats (because in my home, the mat is on the cat, and not vice-versa), so it's not a wimpy comb. But it's utterly defeated by this... (image after jump because it is too horrifying for mortals to look upon)...

So I figured the answer to a hopeless situation was to cut the hair and then try combing out what remained. I pulled the hair straight and cut across at mid-shoulder-blade, since I wanted a finished length closer to shoulder-length but figured it'd be prudent to leave some fudge factor.

This exercise determined that the natural state of a fashion-doll haircut is to look as if a four-year-old did it with blunt-nosed scissors.

Here's what happened when I combed out the remaining hair in preparation for boil-washing. The cat sheds less.

Trimming the nasty bits didn't prevent the hair from developing more nasty bits while being dipped and combed.

Here we are with conditioner in. Nothing relaxes this girl's hair.

And... rinsed! The length is now completely crooked, and there are more straggling bits. The strongest shine-inducing conditioner I own had no effect on the texture. Indeed, much of the hair doesn't even feel wet, despite having been held under a running faucet.

After yet another trim, I thought I'd try curling the ends under with pipe-cleaner rollers. Nope. The hair won't bend, even when held under hot water again. It's also imprudent to try to style it any direction other than straight back from the forehead, as the rooting is sparse -- a fact that's not immediately obvious because her head is painted black. (Note to self: when elderly and suffering from thinning hair, paint head a nice shade of silver.)

Meanwhile, some of the refugee Liv girls get the Oxy-10 treatment. (Despite Sophie's look of horror at discovering the project, the main cast is safe from relocation.)

Of course, the Barbie refugees think this is all a trip to the beach. Their complete lack of self-consciousness suggests that one thing Barbie has going for her is being entirely at ease in her own skin.

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