Cue the Zombie Apocalypse

Maybe the zombie apocalypse happened.

Actually, at the end of June, my cheap metal futon frame broke at a stress point. After the month that was required to find a new bed frame that I liked, I can testify that it's very difficult to feel like a sexy, successful adult while sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor. At twenty-five, I could do it. At my current age, which is not 26, the concept was a disaster. Even the sewing machine scorned me, so I still haven't clothed some exciting arrivals that my parents sent.

Now, from the vantage point of my fresh-from-Craig's-List replacement bed frame, I feel like a king of France ruling the civilized world from a reclining position, so it's apt that on last night's trip to Tuesday Morning, I found a lone Mystixx Rococo Zombie for $7.99 (list price $19.99 when introduced at Toys R Us).

Bonjour. Je voudrais manger vos cervaux.

"A Mystixx what?" is a reasonable response to this news. Even Playhut's official Mystixx site does not admit this happened, briefly, last winter. It features only the Mystixx Vampires (one of which was reviewed by Toy Box Philosopher in 2012), which did not have the joined elbows and knees of the Rococo Zombies.


Here's the "normal" head peeking out the back of the box.

Bonjour! Si je suis normal, pourquoi suis-je verte?

Mystixx is one of a number of "four friends who are normal girls by day but turn into monster princesses by night!" lines. We've seen this before with Pippa, from Midnight Magic. This gal is Azra, whose official bio says she's the competitive, sporty one.

I don't think anybody even thought about this fact when picking her to be a Rococo Zombie. The other Rococo Zombie (there were only two), girly pink Talin, makes sense, but shouldn't her companion have been Siva, descendant of a royal house of vampires?

It is possible that I'm the only person outside Playhut's marketing department who has spent even ten minutes caring about the characterizations of the Mystixx line, and the existence of Rococo Zombies suggests that I'm the only person who's done so while sober, period. (Let us not forget these are the people who came up with the slogan The doll you can change the face of, and then called it done.)

Mes cheveux fait quelque-chose.

This time, it's supposedly also possible to make her hair poof up by pulling her braids. We shall see.

The box comes apart easily. Doubtless it was helped by my being caught in a monsoon storm, but there were only three metal ties to undo (ankles and neck), and then Azra came right out of the box.

(A quick Googling for baby names indicates that Azra is a Quranic name meaning virgin -- and doesn't seem to exist in any other culture. If I had a Muslim doll, she'd have a proper Islamic name, but for a Rococo Zombie, this just seems awkward and disrespectful. I hereby dub this gal Azalea.)

Voulez-vous danser le menuet pendant que je mange vos cerveux?

Azalea could probably stand on her own if I felt energetic enough to pose her on a truly flat surface, but I don't, so leaning is going to have to do. Her outfit is essentially Rococo Zombie Naughty Schoolgirl, which would be a great conversation starter at your next Hallowe'en party. Her skin is greenish-beige -- that's not a trick of the lighting. She brings new meaning to the term olive complexion, being literally the color of a green olive.

Zombies apparently develop severe cataracts, but this does not prevent them from applying their maquillage.

J'ai faim.

The "human" side is still seriously olive-complected, giving Azalea the look of a humanoid grasshopper. Presumably she chooses pink make-up to appear non-threatening.

Hey. I really prefer to eat, like, y'know, leaves. Lots of leaves.

Once the wig's off, unthreatening is really no longer an option. However, the promise that the overskirt converts to a cape is true. It's a pretty cute little clothing item and surprisingly well-made.

Je suis La Fille Sauterelle, défenseur des végétaliens

The fancy dress also looks pretty easy to replicate, especially as it includes the laziest approach to bust darts ever.

Once one girl gets panniers, everybody will want them.

Naked, the resemblance to Monster High is only intensified by this wave having jointed elbows and knees.

Um, yeah, so I really do look like a giant bug.

Ever-gregarious Frankie Stein volunteered to be the comparison model, though she's frankly a bit off-put by looking directly into a second face.

So, am I supposed to carry on a conversation with both of you?
'Cause I took German in high school. Mit zwei Köpfen ist ungewöhnlich.

It's not exactly the same body, but it's sure inspired by. Frankie has shorter thighs, longer calves, and a bigger booty.

Ich habe mehr Junk im Kofferraum.

Azalea's hip joint also seems weirdly loose, but this turns out to have a purpose.

You should try out for cheerleading, Azalea.

However, Azalea's knee joints are virtually useless for bending. They allow her lower legs to be removed so she can wear tight clothing without having to fight her clunky shoes, but that's about it.

I'm sure you'll fit in fine, Zalie. It's not a big deal.

Frankie's also been spending more time and effort on her make-up, while Azalea looks as if she discovered right before the party that the only thing in her purse was a pale pink lipstick, so she improvised.

Ulta frequent-buyer card, Zalie. A girl's best friend!

Since Azalea's the sporty one, she may have spent July watching the Women's World Cup rather than haunting the cosmetics aisle. What can't be explained by her just-not-being-into-it is the match -- or, rather, mismatch -- between the hole in the head and the spike in her wig.

Not quite a square peg in a round hole, but getting there.

After much squishing and bending, I cut the edges of the spike down, figuring I'm not giving Azalea rough play. Then I squished and bent some more. . . and I have no idea how I got that wig back on, but it's not coming off again, short of an emergency.

The hair quality is actually pretty nice -- soft and smooth. You'll note that it's out of its pigtails, which was reckless of me, as apparently the pouffing action requires that one set of rubber bands be removed (the clear top set) and one set left in (the obnoxious pink bottom set). So I blew that. I may put some bands in later, but in the mean time, let's try some of the hair accessories.

Quand elle était bonne, elle était plus bonne, et quand elle était mauvaise, elle était horrible.

Finally, Azalea is welcomed to the party by Kistiñe (who shares the experience of being cheap plastic in a non-human color), Pippa (who understands what it's like to be a Monster High knock-off who's a regular girl by day and a princess by night), and Fianna Fins (who is exchanging hair-care tips).

But do you glow, Azalea? Do you glow?